The Breakdown

First - I only have about 15 minutes so need to just spit this out before my mind explodes, I will do my best to keep typos to a minimum!

As many women know, lots of different roles and expectations are heaped upon us.  Since we have so many roles - employee, boss, mom, wife, step-mom, aunt, daughter, sister, friend - we are heaped with more expectations with each role we take on in our life.  But what happens when fulfilling those expectations comes without gratitude or recognition?  I'm sure I have mentioned all I do for my stepchildren - 99% of it without real recognition from them or anyone else.  Most people will find that "understandable".  Duh, Wicked Stepmother - HELLO!!!  It doesn't make it easy, or right for that matter.  If I was a step FATHER, many opinions would be oh so different.
But, what happens when it trickles to the wife role?  Or the friend role?  In the past few days it has become so painfully obvious how very replaceable we all are in any relationship.  Even family ones - sisters and daughters.  A few falling outs is all it really takes.  Holding grudges, jealousy, it all counters the natural relationship we assume we have or have created.  Family doesn't have to like each other but after all, they are family so we put up with each other.  What happens when the knife cuts just a little too deep and  forgiveness isn't found quite so far under the skin? It builds, the resentment and anger you try to resolve in your mind and heart.
I see sometimes, my husband speaking to me in a way I never thought he would.  The way I used to hear him speak to wife #1 on the phone in the early days.  Even I would tell him to ease up, it isn't worth it, you don't get anywhere that way, and you aren't even married to her anymore so who cares?  Now I care.  Does this mean he hates me as much as he hates her?  Has he replaced her with me to have someone to do all the things she did and therefore automatically treats me that way?  I'm not a psychologist but I'm also not an idiot.  I'm sure it is a little of both.  I'm a girl, I'm sure I remind him of her in some ways so he treats me the same way because it is his comfort zone to react that way.  Is it ok?  Hell no!  Do I get it?  Yes.
It certainly isn't easy when the ex-wife is so prevalent in your day to day actions - kids double and even triple the stress.  Boundaries need to be clear and obviously this quagmire that is my life doesn't have clear enough boundaries for everyone.
When all this is happening and you feel everything crumbling, to find you have been substituted in other areas of your life can compound it all and make you crazy.  Or at least feel crazy, which is enough to push you to the teetering edge looking at the abyss of falling into crazy like it or not.

Ah, Mother's Day

I haven't been on for a while, lots going on but seeing as how the home front is silent today it seemed fitting to take the time for a short story. 
It is sunny out, I can hear birds - even at 7pm.  So quiet.  It feels like the calm before the storm.  I can feel it.  Mostly I just know it since one of my step kids left her backpack here which she needs for school tomorrow, and her uniform which she needs for team photos tomorrow.  Funny, no one has called or asked about it which means tomorrow will be "interesting".
About as interesting as Saturday morning when one of my step daughters was supposed to be at her sporting event at 8am and Scarlett was texting my husband that she forgot to pick up her children's things on Friday and needed them.  She was actually parked out in front of my house waiting for him to respond.  Are you serious?  Best part?  He is out of the country and I was sleeping.  Meanwhile her daughter is emailing her own team who she is about to play with to see if they have an extra uniform.  WHAT??  My guess is they need their own uniform to play that day.  Hellooooooo.  Genius!  So dutifully for my step daughter I took the bags outside for her to bring to her daughter.  Finally.
Why will this be a problem?  I cannot just leave all her stuff outside for 2 days hoping Scarlett will get off her ass and get it.  I will also be gone from my house by the time anyone figures it out and will be out until well after she needs her things.  However, I am not allowed to point these things out because then I am "parenting" and that is clearly the worst thing I could do according to Mother of the Year.  So I just let it go.  The part that drives me insane is, no one else has noticed she doesn't have what she needs for tomorrow for SCHOOL.  Hey, Mom of the Year, you didn't notice your kid doesn't have her backpack???  Overlooking the sport stuff I get, it is her M.O., but school???  Really???
Apparently the answer is yes.  Mother's day for Mother of the Year must be a big event, especially with the new husband and new stepchild.  Why worry about her own children?  It may sound cold but I can't fix it, I can't make her care and to really know that is a lifted burden.  A gift to my "non-mom" self on this glorious holiday produced by Hallmark.  I can't fix things for my step daughters on this front and knowing I can stop trying without guilt is beautiful.  I do realize I sound bitter, but even my own Mother knows that Mother's day is a sham for us to spend money.  That is why we don't recognize "Step-Mother's Day" in my house, and yes, it is an ACTUAL holiday on the calender.  I promise, look it up.

The Great Divide

Even as a custodial Step-Mom, I live in the great divide.  I'm not just me if I ever get to be me at all.  I seem to always be representing someone else or the idea of something else.  All Step-Moms do.  We are wife, mother, step-mother, coach, teacher, role model and disciplinarian.  I know, you are thinking (if you are not a step-mom) DUH, we all do that.  News flash - it isn't the same.  Not in the slightest. No, not even a little tiny bit.

As a biological or adoptive parent, YOU are the ultimate authority with your children.  When you are alone with your child there isn't any second guessing what will be said or interpreted regarding how you discipline or reward your child.  The choices are YOURS.  How you mother, how you speak, how you act, what you watch when your kids are around, what music you listen to when your kids are around, these are your choices that no one can chastise you for.  People can have an opinion but the chances of receiving an abusive email regarding your choices is slim to none unless your mother-in-law really doesn't like you.

As a step-mom, everything you do is scrutinized.  From how you look at your SKs in public to how many soccer games and events you attend in any given season/year.  God forbid the kids get grilled upon returning to their bio mom's house (as Scarlett does to my Step Kids) and things are not as she would like them.  Hence the email from an earlier post.  So I notice her acquaintances watching my every move, from what the kids wear when they are with me to who I let them go with after school and on weekends to what I'm feeding them or rather not feeding them (a bunch of crap food, sorry for being healthy).  Putting up a wall to the people around me in a community I live in because I'm tired of being raked over the coals.  I know, I shouldn't care what people say right?  But what about when it is said to the kids, right or wrong (again, way to go Scarlett) and it hurts and affects them.  I hate that, it isn't fair, but I also try to be the best person I can and not do things that will put them in a bad place.  I hear what she says, I know when she says it in front of them - I trust my friends, she shouldn't trust my friends.  So what if she hates me, but telling her kids that and saying it in front of them will only bite her in her fat ass later.  But for now it makes the kids uncomfortable about liking me.

This carries over to my home.  Even in my house, another duality.  One person when I have kids in the house, another when they are gone and I have room.  Room to breathe and listen to my music and just be me.  This of course is when we aren't running around to every single sporting event they have ever had.  Can't miss a thing you know, not like a regular parent.  Your lack of presence is definitely noticed, if not pointed out.  But back to the home front.  I have to be on alert for everything.  What kind of example am I being at all times, with every move I'm watched as if I have a criminal record while other parents have a couple beers then drive their kids home.  No harm there, but God forbid I swear in front of them when I get hurt, I should be hung.

Then it comes to what kind of wife am I to their Father - as compared to their Mother.  This only became evident through watching a TV show with them but yikes.  Brutal realization as we all sat in the room.  Then I realized that even how I act with their Father and him with me is yet another example of how I don't quite fit into the picture.  I can't just relax and let my guard down and be WHO I am.  I haven't been that it a very long time and honestly it is wearing on me.  However, when I need a break, like now, and I "hide" in my room writing - door wide open - then I'm abandoning them or ignoring them.  Apparently that is as wrong as sitting with them on the couch as they do nothing all afternoon smothering them.  Step mom?  Can't win. 

Can't give an attitude adjustment to the teenager, can't give dating or sex advice even if I know what they are doing is wrong or dangerous, can't take them to get a haircut (this caused a HUGE problem), can't discipline them when they disrespect me.  Awesome.

I know it's a phase that has taken over two years to hit - a feeling of total loss of self.  Like I need to not only pull the rug out but throw glasses and plates and kick the goddamn table over until I can't breathe and there is nothing left in one piece, just to let everyone know that I am breaking down.  I need a break.  I need to be me and let me be happy.  I can't be just your wife, just your nanny, just your chauffeur.  I need to be independent and strong again.

Harassment, Bullying and Crossing the line

Scarlett has been instructed several times to not contact me directly due to her never ending abusive language and tendencies toward me in ANY form of contact.  It comes out most in emails when she has time to sit and think since she is not so quick witted and can't really think on her feet.  In person she says what she says then stomps away like a child.

I have tried ignoring the behavior, challenging it, smiling and laughing then finally disengaging.  I don't even look at her.  Yes, even when it comes to the kids.  They both have cell phones, use them.  What I can't understand is that she bitches and moans about not being able to communicate with me but is so violently mean and crude when she does and can't figure why I don't WANT to communicate with her.  Why would I OPT to take abuse from someone?

Recently, she crossed the last boundary.  Actually accusing me of "borderline abusing" her kids.  In an email she sent to my husband - addressed to him in title - but cc'd me on even though we have asked repeatedly she communicate parental issues with him since she is convinced I'm not a parent and has stated so several times to us and everyone we know.  Sweet, isn't it?

Among all the things I do wrong - I'm mean to her children every day, I yell at them, call them liars for no reason, refuse to pick up their belongings (remember that post weeks ago? that was her not me), and forcing them to play sports along with being too strict.  The time they spend with her is none of my business but apparently what happens at MY house is ALL her business.  I guess it is since she grills the children about everything that happens and is said here and has forbidden them to discuss anything about her at our house.  She even had them hide her pending marriage, and still after the fact.

What she didn't mention is all the times I have made sure her kids have what they need, even at the last minute when she wouldn't, taken them to get clothes when she refused to bring their clothes to them at our house (for a special event even) because she was out with her then fiance, make sure they have all their books and after school needs when it is my days to pick them up from school, that I take them to all their practices, friends houses, movies, etc.  I am the only "parental figure" who went to BOTH CHILDREN'S back to school night.  Scarlett just didn't show to one and ran in and out of the other like a drug addict.  What a bitch I sound like huh? 

I guess what really gets me is the kids just buying into it all.  Telling her personal things about me - a betrayal of sorts. They are teenagers and know better.  Then actually hiding things from their father.  I know she asked them to hide things and that is a horrible position for them but actually succumbing to it when they are smarter than that makes me ill.  It also makes me uncomfortable talking about certain issues in my own home because I know they are being reported.  We talked to the kids and I let them know this was the meanest, nastiest email I had ever received and it made me sad she used what they said to write it.  They looked surprised that I knew but they should understand how that information is being used.  It all comes around.

I'm tired of the rumors she spreads.  I'm tired of her slamming me and my business all over town.  I'm tired of the abuse.  I'm just plain tired.  So when I blocked her from EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING, it was the most liberating feeling.  No emails, no calls, no texts, no facebook, nothing.  It is so wonderful I can't describe the bliss and no, I don't care that I can't see if she is trying to say something to me because she just doesn't matter that much.  Not only is she doing long term damage to her relationship with her children, she accomplished putting a distance between her children and a positive life influence.  Good going, "Scarlett - Mother of the Year".

Guilty Parenting and the Blinders

I've noticed that every time something goes wrong that involves the kids - it can't possibly be them.  It has to be someone else, some other reason, something is making them do this.  I call bullshit.  I'm a child of divorce, I know how it all goes, I get it.  BUT, my Mom called me on my stuff and when she did, oh man.

Why is it now that parents compete to purchase their child?  Who is giving the best, the most expensive gift wins?  Really?  When did Moms and Dads become more concerned with being buddies and letting their children do whatever without boundaries or discipline?  When did divorced parents start fearing that their kids won't love them if they discipline them?  It makes for (basically) a generation of spoiled brats.

Take my step-daughters, lie?  They get a talking to and five minutes later, lie again.  Consequence?  Nope.  Treat adults like crap?  No consequence.  I shouldn't have to tell children of their age, both in double digits, not to lie and to treat me and others with respect.  The basics?  Really?  One is in HIGH SCHOOL!  I know, teens have attitude, I get it.  Not like this.  This is poor manners left unchecked.

Once in a while in our household, I'm not the only one who sets the boundaries and enforces rules.  Most often, because I'm around the most, I get the crap end of the job.  Homework, after school "chores" which have all but flown out the window, and I even have to remind them to make their lunch.  Are you serious?  You can't remember you need LUNCH everyday??

What kicked this off you might ask?  I spent two hours prepping a treat for my elder step for her birthday on Sunday.  I told her team we would be surprising her and of course, Bio Mom didn't like it even though Dad said it was ok and it is our time anyway.  So Mom tells kid, kid emails - no thanks.  What the hell??  Why didn't she tell me that this morning when we were talking about this stuff?  Oh, because Mom got involved?  Dad claims she's trying to be the resolver - that she's being manipulated.  I, again, call bullshit. 

It's hard to appreciate anything when everything and then some is handed to you on a regular basis.  These kids get gifts for nothing year round and are hardly ever told no.  Spoiled?  Yes.  Do I think she's being a brat?  Yes.  You know its already ordered but you now want me to cancel it.  No, not spoiled or bratty at all.  Doesn't matter how much effort I put into it, I'm the bad guy because I called him out and said she was being spoiled and bratty.  Oh, and she doesnt' want a fuss made about her, but going to the mall and getting her new homecoming dress and makeup and shoes, that's no fuss.  Gifts aren't a fuss.  Cake??  Huge fuss.  Huge.

Can she REALLY be that lazy?

Unfortunately, yes.  And not just in my case.  I have read all over the place about crazy and LAZY ex-wives and what they do.  My Miss Scarlett actually demands that I, the step-mom, who has absolutely ZERO obligation to help her do anything to take care of her kids, should shuttle all their crap back and forth between the two households. Although Miss Scarlett drives right by OUR house when she decides it is a day she will work, she can't be bothered to stop and grab her kids' gear off the porch. Hello LAZY!  It's 15 minutes out of my way when I do it and they ARE NOT MY KIDS.  We do have an agreement between the three of us that whomever picks the children up from school is responsible for getting their books and soccer bags.  She can't manage her HALF??  It's only half!!!

Mind you, this includes her children's SCHOOL BOOKS.  She's all Disneyland, why bother with school work?  She seems to make it home to take the kids to eat out, AGAIN, but can't get their school books???  I forget sometimes how important meals are to her.  God forbid she ever cooks one.  Maybe if she keeps rocking those sexy shape ups, she can keep eating like that without actually getting bigger. 

Then, same day, she yells at us that we are horrible for her kids and don't do anything. (other than pay for EVERYTHING, feed them healthy and nutritious home cooked meals, take them to the doctor when they need to go, make sure they get to all their activities, etc)  These kids have been playing soccer for at least 7 years.  I was once asked if Miss Scarlett was in their lives at all or dead.  "No, she lives down the street from THIS soccer field" was my response.  I know and her kids know that she barely wants to go watch them play on her weekends let alone ours.  More than once she has stated she doesn't want to spend her life on a soccer field.  Her kids do though, but hey, lazy is lazy. 

If it isn't about her, it doesn't matter.  So not only lazy, but uncaring?  Sad combo for those kids.

The Ex

I read a book a while back, after becoming engaged and just before marriage.  The book was called Surviving the Ex Wife.  Never in my life did I think I would want or NEED to read a book like this ... NEVER.  The author places ex wives into four categories.  I only remember the one I needed (and still need) to know: the Psycho.  She was toeing the tightrope of relative sanity and partial common sense. Wavering from time to time, about to go, arms out to the side ... but most always catching herself.  Our engagement apparently snapped the rope under her feet and into the depths of anger and bitterness she went.

Interestingly, we were served with papers demanding more money for GOD KNOWS WHAT while she, let us call her"Scarlett", sat on her fat ass NOT working and living off child support immediately after my then fiance told her of our engagement.   During this particular gold-digging expedition and planting of evil seeds in my young step-daughters' heads, the judge decided Scarlett should go to work and AT LEAST attempt some semblance of independence since she had never held a full time job in her life.  Instead, she claimed she needed yet another degree, a masters, to do so and off to school she went on my husband's dime.  FOR THREE YEARS!  Not a day did she work during the schooling, not a day after graduation until another two years goes by.

Now every year on my birthday, Scarlett kindly sends the gift that keeps on giving: court papers.  Our wedding gift came two weeks before the wedding, court papers.  His birthday gift?  Yes, court papers.  7 years divorced and Miss Scarlett is not only engaged, but STILL looking for more free money.  This is above and beyond the child support and alimony paid to her every month via auto transfer (she has his wages garnished via the state).  The amount she is handed is more than most people I know make by working full time.  This is also in addition to the income from the job the court forced her to find - backfire for abusing the system?  I like to think so.  If Miss Scarlett needs money, she should start by downgrading her luxury SUV, lay off the $200 shoes/jeans/etc and eating out/having take out almost every meal.

What would be great, but make all too much sense, is if she actually used the child support for the CHILDREN.  Use it to pay for her half of the braces they need, half their activities, half their medical bills,  you know, like the agreement says. Don't get me started on the lack of a college fund on her side.  It is not our job to pay her bills even though the money we give her would certainly cover all of them and then some.  So why do you need more?  Do you want us to pay for the wedding?  Or do you just really need that interaction with him because you can't truly let go?

Whew!
Vent for the day - remember, you aren't alone!