Husband of a Next Wife?

Huge tip coming your way - stop babying and taking care of your ex-wife if you want to have a true relationship with your current wife.  Making sure she does what she should damn well know to do already is still taking care of her.  Try focusing on what is going on in your own house.

Shoot me now - happy chiristmas

It's November and the Holidays are coming and there is nothing I can do to stop them.  This is probably my most stressful time of year.  Plans are already being made for family and travel starting in two weeks and running for the next month and a half.  There are people I want to see, people I have to see, people I'm obligated to visit and people I just plain have to deal with during this "season of cheer".

Purchasing gifts for people who could care less?  Every year.  Spending too much on them?  Absolutely.  But that isn't what bothers me.  It's the fact that even as a kid, I could have throw Xmas out the door and not cared less.  It was only a time of stress, being shuffled around and being reminded that my holiday life wasn't like all the other kids.  Every year for every major holiday (Nov/DEC) I was shipped back and forth about three hours to spend time with my non-custodial parent with whom I did not get along after about age 12, two years after they left.  I didn't want to go, I had to.  Then when I got older I had to go because my younger sibling wanted to go and couldn't go alone.  Even older - I had to DRIVE there.  Yay.

Even now as an adult, the holidays are not much different.  I'm evil if I don't see certain relatives first or at all regardless of spending time with my own family.  Even Christmas day is a tug of war on me between the factions of my family, immediate and extended.  Really?  There is a great reason I shouldn't be in my own house for all of Christmas day? Ugh.  The people around me seem to think so and lay on guilt, go behind my back and complain (of course I hear about it) and even go so far as to tell kids involved I don't have time for them.  While I know I can't control it, it kills me.

Then there is my immediate family with whom I live. My husband loves Christmas like crazy, can't even begin to comprehend that it was never a happy time for me and I could do without it.  He tries to force me to like it/participate fully in the festivities like picking out a tree.  Honestly, I could give a shit.  I don't care about the tree, I don't care about the holiday unless I'm going to church and not the overly hyped Midnight Mass - the real Christmas Mass.  It really just isn't my thing, never will be.  It would just be nice if for one year I wouldn't be forced to do a bunch of crap I hate doing, be left to do my own travel planning of when it works for me to go places and have a generally happy holiday season.

Same *&%# Different Day

I've been struggling with some home front issues lately with the StepKids.  Two issues really.
1. Attitude and crapping all over their Dad and me.  If Scarlett is ok with that in her house, great.  Me?  It makes me want to pull my hair out every single time they do it.  Oh, I need to add - that is OFTEN.  We pick up the elder for her birthday and what does she do?  Treat her Dad like crap.  Alas, it is her birthday so no, nothing was done.  He left work hours early so he could have 3 hours with her on her birthday, no thank you, no glad to see you, just crap attitude and snapping all over him and her sister.  I was pissed, I didn't want to be there or have anything to do with what was going on.  Maybe the answer is to be more busy when this all comes up.

2. Clothing.  Yeah, I know, I'm just the step mom but SERIOUSLY.  Jean booty shorts that are too small, black knee socks and black boots with a top that was tight and didn't even go over the edge of her waistband.  Ok, I'm getting old and I'm clearly more conservative about that stuff than perhaps I once was but HOLY.CRAP.  This is on the back end of homecoming when she was still 14 and allowed to wear 6" heels.  Yep, you read right, SIX INCH PLATFORM HEELS with a sequin dress that came perhaps 3" below her rump and plummeted in the front to where a bra was impossible, and OH, it had sheer CUTOUTS on both sides.  Big ones.

Yes, the mother of year bought it and yes, those are her shoes too.  Purchased without her daughter there but given to her as her homecoming dress.  Yikes, nice judgement.
I admit, when I walked into my friends house to take photos of SD and her friends, I was at first shocked, then mortified.  I felt like I had to tell people I didn't choose that dress or those shoes nor was I there when it was purchased/tried on whatever.  Had never seen it.  No, it wasn't me that let her out of the house like that.  Didn't offer the info, just responded to questions.
THEN I find out that 99% of these kids are in the same CHURCH GROUP.  I could have died.

Normally I'm not concerned with what people think of me but even me, the younger one in the group, was stunned to silence upon entering.  I am, however, with what people think of her when she dresses like that because I really believe she has no understanding of what message that presents and what people will think she is like.  I'm sure if I said anything she would tell me she doesn't care what people think but she does.
She IS a teenager after all.

I guess the bigger issue is this: will her Dad do anything?  Will he sit the ex wife down and say this is completely inappropriate?  Will he talk to his daughter about presentation and the assumptions made about people when they dress a certain way?  Is he willing, to no matter what, demand that he be treated with respect?  Will he demand that I be treated with respect?

I'm all for breaking stereotypes and paving new ground but a 14/15 year old wearing a dress I only expect to see in Las Vegas on a Saturday night is too much when I want good things for her.

Just shoot me now - teenagers are a mess.

Mother of the Year - Again

When you find out your daughter is 5'4" and 154 lbs putting her in the 97th percentile (even if you, as her mother, are large as well) I would hope you would be alarmed and research what you can do for your child.  What I did not expect was for Scarlett to say - oh, I've put on weight too, I'm going on Weight Watchers so it will be fine.
Um - WHAT???  Sorry honey, I don't give a shit if you clog your arteries and die young.  What I do care about is if your child dies 20 years early because you were too selfish to wake the hell up and HELP YOUR DAUGHTER.  Weight Watchers is a management system for adults, not an educational tool for a 12 year old.
Did you not just watch her struggling on the soccer field, bigger than all the other kids out there, not able to move as fast as she did even 6 months ago.  But please, don't send her to soccer practice and keep feeding her shit and ice cream in between games at her tournament so she can put on some more weight and learn worse eating habits.
Like it or not, this kid is an athlete but won't be for long unless she is fed healthy foods and encouraged to move and play sports.  She's a damn good athlete too even with Scarlett fighting it every step of the way.  I see this as blatant neglect if not abuse.  It kills me to see any child treated this way.

Wouldn't it be great if the law was behind the health of the kids?

The Life of a Next Wife: The Breakdown

The Life of a Next Wife: The Breakdown: "First - I only have about 15 minutes so need to just spit this out before my mind explodes, I will do my best to keep typos to a minimum! ..."

The Breakdown

First - I only have about 15 minutes so need to just spit this out before my mind explodes, I will do my best to keep typos to a minimum!

As many women know, lots of different roles and expectations are heaped upon us.  Since we have so many roles - employee, boss, mom, wife, step-mom, aunt, daughter, sister, friend - we are heaped with more expectations with each role we take on in our life.  But what happens when fulfilling those expectations comes without gratitude or recognition?  I'm sure I have mentioned all I do for my stepchildren - 99% of it without real recognition from them or anyone else.  Most people will find that "understandable".  Duh, Wicked Stepmother - HELLO!!!  It doesn't make it easy, or right for that matter.  If I was a step FATHER, many opinions would be oh so different.
But, what happens when it trickles to the wife role?  Or the friend role?  In the past few days it has become so painfully obvious how very replaceable we all are in any relationship.  Even family ones - sisters and daughters.  A few falling outs is all it really takes.  Holding grudges, jealousy, it all counters the natural relationship we assume we have or have created.  Family doesn't have to like each other but after all, they are family so we put up with each other.  What happens when the knife cuts just a little too deep and  forgiveness isn't found quite so far under the skin? It builds, the resentment and anger you try to resolve in your mind and heart.
I see sometimes, my husband speaking to me in a way I never thought he would.  The way I used to hear him speak to wife #1 on the phone in the early days.  Even I would tell him to ease up, it isn't worth it, you don't get anywhere that way, and you aren't even married to her anymore so who cares?  Now I care.  Does this mean he hates me as much as he hates her?  Has he replaced her with me to have someone to do all the things she did and therefore automatically treats me that way?  I'm not a psychologist but I'm also not an idiot.  I'm sure it is a little of both.  I'm a girl, I'm sure I remind him of her in some ways so he treats me the same way because it is his comfort zone to react that way.  Is it ok?  Hell no!  Do I get it?  Yes.
It certainly isn't easy when the ex-wife is so prevalent in your day to day actions - kids double and even triple the stress.  Boundaries need to be clear and obviously this quagmire that is my life doesn't have clear enough boundaries for everyone.
When all this is happening and you feel everything crumbling, to find you have been substituted in other areas of your life can compound it all and make you crazy.  Or at least feel crazy, which is enough to push you to the teetering edge looking at the abyss of falling into crazy like it or not.

Ah, Mother's Day

I haven't been on for a while, lots going on but seeing as how the home front is silent today it seemed fitting to take the time for a short story. 
It is sunny out, I can hear birds - even at 7pm.  So quiet.  It feels like the calm before the storm.  I can feel it.  Mostly I just know it since one of my step kids left her backpack here which she needs for school tomorrow, and her uniform which she needs for team photos tomorrow.  Funny, no one has called or asked about it which means tomorrow will be "interesting".
About as interesting as Saturday morning when one of my step daughters was supposed to be at her sporting event at 8am and Scarlett was texting my husband that she forgot to pick up her children's things on Friday and needed them.  She was actually parked out in front of my house waiting for him to respond.  Are you serious?  Best part?  He is out of the country and I was sleeping.  Meanwhile her daughter is emailing her own team who she is about to play with to see if they have an extra uniform.  WHAT??  My guess is they need their own uniform to play that day.  Hellooooooo.  Genius!  So dutifully for my step daughter I took the bags outside for her to bring to her daughter.  Finally.
Why will this be a problem?  I cannot just leave all her stuff outside for 2 days hoping Scarlett will get off her ass and get it.  I will also be gone from my house by the time anyone figures it out and will be out until well after she needs her things.  However, I am not allowed to point these things out because then I am "parenting" and that is clearly the worst thing I could do according to Mother of the Year.  So I just let it go.  The part that drives me insane is, no one else has noticed she doesn't have what she needs for tomorrow for SCHOOL.  Hey, Mom of the Year, you didn't notice your kid doesn't have her backpack???  Overlooking the sport stuff I get, it is her M.O., but school???  Really???
Apparently the answer is yes.  Mother's day for Mother of the Year must be a big event, especially with the new husband and new stepchild.  Why worry about her own children?  It may sound cold but I can't fix it, I can't make her care and to really know that is a lifted burden.  A gift to my "non-mom" self on this glorious holiday produced by Hallmark.  I can't fix things for my step daughters on this front and knowing I can stop trying without guilt is beautiful.  I do realize I sound bitter, but even my own Mother knows that Mother's day is a sham for us to spend money.  That is why we don't recognize "Step-Mother's Day" in my house, and yes, it is an ACTUAL holiday on the calender.  I promise, look it up.

The Great Divide

Even as a custodial Step-Mom, I live in the great divide.  I'm not just me if I ever get to be me at all.  I seem to always be representing someone else or the idea of something else.  All Step-Moms do.  We are wife, mother, step-mother, coach, teacher, role model and disciplinarian.  I know, you are thinking (if you are not a step-mom) DUH, we all do that.  News flash - it isn't the same.  Not in the slightest. No, not even a little tiny bit.

As a biological or adoptive parent, YOU are the ultimate authority with your children.  When you are alone with your child there isn't any second guessing what will be said or interpreted regarding how you discipline or reward your child.  The choices are YOURS.  How you mother, how you speak, how you act, what you watch when your kids are around, what music you listen to when your kids are around, these are your choices that no one can chastise you for.  People can have an opinion but the chances of receiving an abusive email regarding your choices is slim to none unless your mother-in-law really doesn't like you.

As a step-mom, everything you do is scrutinized.  From how you look at your SKs in public to how many soccer games and events you attend in any given season/year.  God forbid the kids get grilled upon returning to their bio mom's house (as Scarlett does to my Step Kids) and things are not as she would like them.  Hence the email from an earlier post.  So I notice her acquaintances watching my every move, from what the kids wear when they are with me to who I let them go with after school and on weekends to what I'm feeding them or rather not feeding them (a bunch of crap food, sorry for being healthy).  Putting up a wall to the people around me in a community I live in because I'm tired of being raked over the coals.  I know, I shouldn't care what people say right?  But what about when it is said to the kids, right or wrong (again, way to go Scarlett) and it hurts and affects them.  I hate that, it isn't fair, but I also try to be the best person I can and not do things that will put them in a bad place.  I hear what she says, I know when she says it in front of them - I trust my friends, she shouldn't trust my friends.  So what if she hates me, but telling her kids that and saying it in front of them will only bite her in her fat ass later.  But for now it makes the kids uncomfortable about liking me.

This carries over to my home.  Even in my house, another duality.  One person when I have kids in the house, another when they are gone and I have room.  Room to breathe and listen to my music and just be me.  This of course is when we aren't running around to every single sporting event they have ever had.  Can't miss a thing you know, not like a regular parent.  Your lack of presence is definitely noticed, if not pointed out.  But back to the home front.  I have to be on alert for everything.  What kind of example am I being at all times, with every move I'm watched as if I have a criminal record while other parents have a couple beers then drive their kids home.  No harm there, but God forbid I swear in front of them when I get hurt, I should be hung.

Then it comes to what kind of wife am I to their Father - as compared to their Mother.  This only became evident through watching a TV show with them but yikes.  Brutal realization as we all sat in the room.  Then I realized that even how I act with their Father and him with me is yet another example of how I don't quite fit into the picture.  I can't just relax and let my guard down and be WHO I am.  I haven't been that it a very long time and honestly it is wearing on me.  However, when I need a break, like now, and I "hide" in my room writing - door wide open - then I'm abandoning them or ignoring them.  Apparently that is as wrong as sitting with them on the couch as they do nothing all afternoon smothering them.  Step mom?  Can't win. 

Can't give an attitude adjustment to the teenager, can't give dating or sex advice even if I know what they are doing is wrong or dangerous, can't take them to get a haircut (this caused a HUGE problem), can't discipline them when they disrespect me.  Awesome.

I know it's a phase that has taken over two years to hit - a feeling of total loss of self.  Like I need to not only pull the rug out but throw glasses and plates and kick the goddamn table over until I can't breathe and there is nothing left in one piece, just to let everyone know that I am breaking down.  I need a break.  I need to be me and let me be happy.  I can't be just your wife, just your nanny, just your chauffeur.  I need to be independent and strong again.

Harassment, Bullying and Crossing the line

Scarlett has been instructed several times to not contact me directly due to her never ending abusive language and tendencies toward me in ANY form of contact.  It comes out most in emails when she has time to sit and think since she is not so quick witted and can't really think on her feet.  In person she says what she says then stomps away like a child.

I have tried ignoring the behavior, challenging it, smiling and laughing then finally disengaging.  I don't even look at her.  Yes, even when it comes to the kids.  They both have cell phones, use them.  What I can't understand is that she bitches and moans about not being able to communicate with me but is so violently mean and crude when she does and can't figure why I don't WANT to communicate with her.  Why would I OPT to take abuse from someone?

Recently, she crossed the last boundary.  Actually accusing me of "borderline abusing" her kids.  In an email she sent to my husband - addressed to him in title - but cc'd me on even though we have asked repeatedly she communicate parental issues with him since she is convinced I'm not a parent and has stated so several times to us and everyone we know.  Sweet, isn't it?

Among all the things I do wrong - I'm mean to her children every day, I yell at them, call them liars for no reason, refuse to pick up their belongings (remember that post weeks ago? that was her not me), and forcing them to play sports along with being too strict.  The time they spend with her is none of my business but apparently what happens at MY house is ALL her business.  I guess it is since she grills the children about everything that happens and is said here and has forbidden them to discuss anything about her at our house.  She even had them hide her pending marriage, and still after the fact.

What she didn't mention is all the times I have made sure her kids have what they need, even at the last minute when she wouldn't, taken them to get clothes when she refused to bring their clothes to them at our house (for a special event even) because she was out with her then fiance, make sure they have all their books and after school needs when it is my days to pick them up from school, that I take them to all their practices, friends houses, movies, etc.  I am the only "parental figure" who went to BOTH CHILDREN'S back to school night.  Scarlett just didn't show to one and ran in and out of the other like a drug addict.  What a bitch I sound like huh? 

I guess what really gets me is the kids just buying into it all.  Telling her personal things about me - a betrayal of sorts. They are teenagers and know better.  Then actually hiding things from their father.  I know she asked them to hide things and that is a horrible position for them but actually succumbing to it when they are smarter than that makes me ill.  It also makes me uncomfortable talking about certain issues in my own home because I know they are being reported.  We talked to the kids and I let them know this was the meanest, nastiest email I had ever received and it made me sad she used what they said to write it.  They looked surprised that I knew but they should understand how that information is being used.  It all comes around.

I'm tired of the rumors she spreads.  I'm tired of her slamming me and my business all over town.  I'm tired of the abuse.  I'm just plain tired.  So when I blocked her from EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING, it was the most liberating feeling.  No emails, no calls, no texts, no facebook, nothing.  It is so wonderful I can't describe the bliss and no, I don't care that I can't see if she is trying to say something to me because she just doesn't matter that much.  Not only is she doing long term damage to her relationship with her children, she accomplished putting a distance between her children and a positive life influence.  Good going, "Scarlett - Mother of the Year".