The Husband Wins

As usual, the Next Wife takes the brunt of all that is evil in divorce.  At least in my husband's case this is the truth.  If you follow my story you are familiar with Scarlett and her two children that seem to have taken her point of view more and more as they have gotten older.  We (me and husband) gifted the children a room makeover.  When one child left her things strewn along the house, including a "journal", it fell on me to try and get it all organized and put things away so we could get the move finished.  I did not expect to be stabbed in the back, stabbed in the heart again and then kicked in the face.

A book.   One book.  I picked up this book and flipped pages to see what it was.  What I saw made me sick to my stomach, a paragraph of writing that changed my life.  I read that the younger had gone through my entire room - so much for privacy.  Not only that but she read MY journal and then went on to misinterpret it (I went and located what she read and I never said what she said I did, even asked the husband if he wanted to read it) then write that she hates my "fucked up ass".  Hmm.  Sent it to husband.  Rightly he was upset, but not for the reason I expected.

He was upset his little girl wasn't as sweet as he thought.  His girl was not as honest as he hoped.  His girl was not the ultra good person he wanted her to be.  It had nothing to do with the fact that she violated my trust AGAIN.  Nothing to do with the fact that while I sign her up for all her activities (and I mean ALL of them) and pay for them from the account with MY name on them, get her everywhere on time, go to all of her away games/tournaments (more than either bio parent individually) and do the volunteer work for school and activities and she still shits all over me.

No repercussion for her.  No penalty.  Nothing.  Way to stand up for me, and thank you by the way.  I raised your kids for you while you worked.  I was the bad guy, I did the discipline, I did the homework, I did the chore enforcement.  What a fucking idiot.  Me, not you.  I was a total idiot, I let both the bio dad and the bio mom rail me into being their patsy.  Genius.

So now the husband is still the good guy.  Going to let the older go off on a trip she didn't earn even though that was the "deal" they made.  I've never seen an enforcement before and I know that since I haven't heard squat about the "deal" it likely is loose and fast so she can go no matter what because he thinks it is a "good experience".  The good experience would be to learn how to earn something and that there are consequences to one's actions.

I'm the bad guy for everyone, including his own mother.  What a genius play by him.

Now that I don't do it all, he missed having a party for a major birthday for his child because I didn't organize it.  He missed an honor roll presentation because I didn't remind him.  He didn't do something "meaningful" for a milestone because I didn't do it.  Scary for me is, he doesn't know he is missing everything and it makes me sad.

But he wins.  I'm the bad guy.  He is the nice guy.

Lots is going on in our lives.  Sports, high school, middle school, two teenagers, impending license, impending child support county services issues and now an adult tantrum.  Are you kidding me?  Yes, there are so many things to be thankful for; I have a roof, food, friends, dogs and cats I can care for, I'm healthy but seriously, to throw a tantrum because the Internet didn't work for you in the wake of a conversation you didn't like?  Grow up.

Your friend is having trouble with his fiance, soon to be second wife.  He comes to me.  I'm honest but not brutal.  It's HARD.  Even if you have a "good" bio mom, it is still hard.  When they are bitter, harder.  When they are angry, even harder.  When they are miserable, watch your back.  Every step my now husband and I made in our relationship triggered an issue with little miss Scarlett.  When she became aware of me, lawsuit for money and sole physical and legal custody.  When we got engaged, lawsuits for money on my birthday (this continued for many years).  Our wedding?  She threatened to go to court to disallow the children to go because SHE didn't like the timing.  I was honest as to what could happen, not what HIS ex would do.

Apparently this struck a cord for my husband or something has been going on that I am not aware of because tonight has been totally out of control.  He couldn't order an iPhone for his daughter so being snippy and curt with me seemed to be the answer.   I didn't come running like the bitch I'm not so that was a problem too.  Whenever I'm not exactly what he wants, its a problem, especially after a few beers.  I'm not calling him a violent drunk because physically he isn't.  Certainly he likes to raise his voice as it must be a means in another realm of his life where he gets his way.  I'm really tired of it.  I spent the first half of my life getting yelled at, I certainly don't need it now.

It really is painful to know that he thinks saying what he says the way he says it is okay.  It isn't and he damages our relationship more than he knows when he does it.  Maybe he should think about that some before he decides I'm an ass because the Internet isn't working the way he wants.

Really? Resorting to the Welfare Office?

While I was away on an adventure, I receive a worried call from my husband.  Scarlett the great has served him yet again.  That is not the disturbing part even though they have been apart for about 10 years.  What IS disturbing is that this was not done through her lawyer but through County Child Services, Child Support Division.  Excuse me?  As is standard in our state, her $3,000/month of Child Support as awarded via court order according to the formula used in our state is garnished from my husbands wages each paycheck by the very agency with which she recently filed.  We are not behind, we do not have nor owe arrears.  The division she filed with does not deal in custody or modification but with making sure the monies are paid.  So what the hell is going on here?

One set of documents we received let us know she filed a complaint for review.  The next set has a quarter inch thick of paperwork for my husband to fill out stating that for the past 12 months he was supposed to pay X amount and he actually paid X amount.  Same for visitation.  Seriously, visitation?  We have 50/50.  Even when it isn't "our time" we go to back to school nights, meetings, sporting events and whatever else there is which is not true for Scarlett holier than thou.  Somehow my husband has to prove he spends time with his kids.  His lawyer is hardly any help in this arena.  If he can't win for sure he doesn't fight.  Good strategy.  The third set of documents included a threat to report the "debt" of child support to the credit agencies.  If he isn't behind, where is this debt to be reported?  Nice system.

Then there is Scarlett the great herself - dodging calls, texts and emails because she won't just state her purpose.  Why the fight?  Do you want him that bad?  Do you want us to fight?  What is it you are really after?  You went to the WELFARE division of the state.  There are TWO new cars in your driveway, a third SUV, Jetskis (plural) not to mention the numerous vacations you take.  You make almost twice what a teacher makes and your husband makes at least three times what you do plus your free $3k in child support.  So, tell me why you went the welfare route??  Would your lawyer not take it?  Pathetic really.  It's sad and really sad for the children who learn from her.

So I am left holding the proverbial bag.  Dealing with kids who are entitled, spoiled and treat their father like shit because they listen to their mother spew her Parental Alienation all over, and in front of people I am friends with, letting the kids know they can use him as a back and taxi.  There are days like today when it just isn't right and I won't do it.  I will interact as little as possible because although I am one of the "smartest people" he's ever met, my opinion when it comes to this doesn't mean shit.  He thinks his lawyer knows all and that I can't possibly be right because I don't wear rose colored fucking glasses.

Wake up.  It needs to get nasty for it to stop.  You need to actually LAY the law down with her and your children instead of talking about it.  It's old.  I'm getting too tired.  There really is a point when it is all too much.

Thank God the Holidays are Over

The photos I have of the tree Pre-Arrival of the kids are disgusting.  For an economic downturn overall you would have never guessed it by looking at our living room which was truly covered in gifts.  This included a life size cut out of Justin Bieber for the younger step-daughter.  Had it not been for the two, yes two pairs of Miss Me jeans it would have been her favorite gift.  Oh, and the Bieber perfume.
Now the older step-daughter also got more than a plethora of gifts, and not inexpensive ones.  I barely heard thank you.  It was more about "what next?" which makes me sad that their Father's efforts are so under-appreciated if not unappreciated.  We (husband and I) decided to take a break for a snack seeing as how the kids didn't arrive until noon and it was now 1:30, we were met with actual whining.  Really?  They are 12 and 15.  Whining.  Like a 5 year old.  Then complaining about caviar (more understandable but to be so rude was not necessary) which they didn't have to eat.  There was plenty for them as always.

A second break was needed later, again met with true whining expertise, to put the turkey in the oven for dinner.  It wasn't like we didn't have anything to talk about, we hadn't seen them in over a week!  They just wanted more gifts and more and more.  There was a distinct lull and disappointment when all was opened until we revealed there was one big gift left for each - but they had to find it via scavenger hunt.  This perked them up because a production usually means something good is coming at the end.  Total room makeover, and total excitement for about 10 minutes.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the didn't like or even love the gifts, everything was certainly just not so much appreciated.

Over the next few days we had family in town which constituted eating out more than I ever like to but what can you really do about that?  Not much in this case.  First night with my family?  The elder is "sick", bails on dinner, claims to have thrown up although is fine for breakfast and dinner the following days.  Weird, when the younger was sick at her mother's house, she threw up because of the Dayquil, not the illness (per her).  I know there is always a power struggle with the older but seriously - have some damn respect.  Everyone bought into it but at the time I was more content to just be with my family.  However, there was always something wrong with everywhere we went.

Final straw for the vacation was when I wanted to go do something fun on their last day and was promptly told by the older that no, she wanted to do homework (that she had two weeks to complete plus two additional days at her mother's house coming up) that day instead.  I was floored and pissed.  Really?  You are sitting there watching TV right now, bitching about having to do something fun tomorrow because you want to do homework you could do now?  Irate is more the word for it.  After making my feelings clear to the husband, she was made to go upstairs and do her homework then.

As for the "fun" trip?  She bitched about going on the city transportation instead of driving (oh the horror!!!).  Clearly irritated to be "doing something" her earphones were in the entire way there and back essentially ignoring everyone.  Fun family day.  Husband didn't seem to notice too much.  I did, and it really makes me not want to do this sort of fun stuff together.  I would rather go to the theater alone than listen to the complaining and have to fight to get there - even to a show aimed at the kids that they had said they wanted to see.  Oh well - it's only 2.5 more years of HS!!  Maybe if she ever gets a job her attitude will be knocked back a notch.  Plus she needs to save for her senior trip to Hawaii she claims she is taking!

Lucky for me the younger isn't fully there yet and at least says thank you for everything and shows kindness and respect most of the time.  I'm thankful for that.

Husband of a Next Wife?

Huge tip coming your way - stop babying and taking care of your ex-wife if you want to have a true relationship with your current wife.  Making sure she does what she should damn well know to do already is still taking care of her.  Try focusing on what is going on in your own house.

Shoot me now - happy chiristmas

It's November and the Holidays are coming and there is nothing I can do to stop them.  This is probably my most stressful time of year.  Plans are already being made for family and travel starting in two weeks and running for the next month and a half.  There are people I want to see, people I have to see, people I'm obligated to visit and people I just plain have to deal with during this "season of cheer".

Purchasing gifts for people who could care less?  Every year.  Spending too much on them?  Absolutely.  But that isn't what bothers me.  It's the fact that even as a kid, I could have throw Xmas out the door and not cared less.  It was only a time of stress, being shuffled around and being reminded that my holiday life wasn't like all the other kids.  Every year for every major holiday (Nov/DEC) I was shipped back and forth about three hours to spend time with my non-custodial parent with whom I did not get along after about age 12, two years after they left.  I didn't want to go, I had to.  Then when I got older I had to go because my younger sibling wanted to go and couldn't go alone.  Even older - I had to DRIVE there.  Yay.

Even now as an adult, the holidays are not much different.  I'm evil if I don't see certain relatives first or at all regardless of spending time with my own family.  Even Christmas day is a tug of war on me between the factions of my family, immediate and extended.  Really?  There is a great reason I shouldn't be in my own house for all of Christmas day? Ugh.  The people around me seem to think so and lay on guilt, go behind my back and complain (of course I hear about it) and even go so far as to tell kids involved I don't have time for them.  While I know I can't control it, it kills me.

Then there is my immediate family with whom I live. My husband loves Christmas like crazy, can't even begin to comprehend that it was never a happy time for me and I could do without it.  He tries to force me to like it/participate fully in the festivities like picking out a tree.  Honestly, I could give a shit.  I don't care about the tree, I don't care about the holiday unless I'm going to church and not the overly hyped Midnight Mass - the real Christmas Mass.  It really just isn't my thing, never will be.  It would just be nice if for one year I wouldn't be forced to do a bunch of crap I hate doing, be left to do my own travel planning of when it works for me to go places and have a generally happy holiday season.

Same *&%# Different Day

I've been struggling with some home front issues lately with the StepKids.  Two issues really.
1. Attitude and crapping all over their Dad and me.  If Scarlett is ok with that in her house, great.  Me?  It makes me want to pull my hair out every single time they do it.  Oh, I need to add - that is OFTEN.  We pick up the elder for her birthday and what does she do?  Treat her Dad like crap.  Alas, it is her birthday so no, nothing was done.  He left work hours early so he could have 3 hours with her on her birthday, no thank you, no glad to see you, just crap attitude and snapping all over him and her sister.  I was pissed, I didn't want to be there or have anything to do with what was going on.  Maybe the answer is to be more busy when this all comes up.

2. Clothing.  Yeah, I know, I'm just the step mom but SERIOUSLY.  Jean booty shorts that are too small, black knee socks and black boots with a top that was tight and didn't even go over the edge of her waistband.  Ok, I'm getting old and I'm clearly more conservative about that stuff than perhaps I once was but HOLY.CRAP.  This is on the back end of homecoming when she was still 14 and allowed to wear 6" heels.  Yep, you read right, SIX INCH PLATFORM HEELS with a sequin dress that came perhaps 3" below her rump and plummeted in the front to where a bra was impossible, and OH, it had sheer CUTOUTS on both sides.  Big ones.

Yes, the mother of year bought it and yes, those are her shoes too.  Purchased without her daughter there but given to her as her homecoming dress.  Yikes, nice judgement.
I admit, when I walked into my friends house to take photos of SD and her friends, I was at first shocked, then mortified.  I felt like I had to tell people I didn't choose that dress or those shoes nor was I there when it was purchased/tried on whatever.  Had never seen it.  No, it wasn't me that let her out of the house like that.  Didn't offer the info, just responded to questions.
THEN I find out that 99% of these kids are in the same CHURCH GROUP.  I could have died.

Normally I'm not concerned with what people think of me but even me, the younger one in the group, was stunned to silence upon entering.  I am, however, with what people think of her when she dresses like that because I really believe she has no understanding of what message that presents and what people will think she is like.  I'm sure if I said anything she would tell me she doesn't care what people think but she does.
She IS a teenager after all.

I guess the bigger issue is this: will her Dad do anything?  Will he sit the ex wife down and say this is completely inappropriate?  Will he talk to his daughter about presentation and the assumptions made about people when they dress a certain way?  Is he willing, to no matter what, demand that he be treated with respect?  Will he demand that I be treated with respect?

I'm all for breaking stereotypes and paving new ground but a 14/15 year old wearing a dress I only expect to see in Las Vegas on a Saturday night is too much when I want good things for her.

Just shoot me now - teenagers are a mess.