The Great Divide

Even as a custodial Step-Mom, I live in the great divide.  I'm not just me if I ever get to be me at all.  I seem to always be representing someone else or the idea of something else.  All Step-Moms do.  We are wife, mother, step-mother, coach, teacher, role model and disciplinarian.  I know, you are thinking (if you are not a step-mom) DUH, we all do that.  News flash - it isn't the same.  Not in the slightest. No, not even a little tiny bit.

As a biological or adoptive parent, YOU are the ultimate authority with your children.  When you are alone with your child there isn't any second guessing what will be said or interpreted regarding how you discipline or reward your child.  The choices are YOURS.  How you mother, how you speak, how you act, what you watch when your kids are around, what music you listen to when your kids are around, these are your choices that no one can chastise you for.  People can have an opinion but the chances of receiving an abusive email regarding your choices is slim to none unless your mother-in-law really doesn't like you.

As a step-mom, everything you do is scrutinized.  From how you look at your SKs in public to how many soccer games and events you attend in any given season/year.  God forbid the kids get grilled upon returning to their bio mom's house (as Scarlett does to my Step Kids) and things are not as she would like them.  Hence the email from an earlier post.  So I notice her acquaintances watching my every move, from what the kids wear when they are with me to who I let them go with after school and on weekends to what I'm feeding them or rather not feeding them (a bunch of crap food, sorry for being healthy).  Putting up a wall to the people around me in a community I live in because I'm tired of being raked over the coals.  I know, I shouldn't care what people say right?  But what about when it is said to the kids, right or wrong (again, way to go Scarlett) and it hurts and affects them.  I hate that, it isn't fair, but I also try to be the best person I can and not do things that will put them in a bad place.  I hear what she says, I know when she says it in front of them - I trust my friends, she shouldn't trust my friends.  So what if she hates me, but telling her kids that and saying it in front of them will only bite her in her fat ass later.  But for now it makes the kids uncomfortable about liking me.

This carries over to my home.  Even in my house, another duality.  One person when I have kids in the house, another when they are gone and I have room.  Room to breathe and listen to my music and just be me.  This of course is when we aren't running around to every single sporting event they have ever had.  Can't miss a thing you know, not like a regular parent.  Your lack of presence is definitely noticed, if not pointed out.  But back to the home front.  I have to be on alert for everything.  What kind of example am I being at all times, with every move I'm watched as if I have a criminal record while other parents have a couple beers then drive their kids home.  No harm there, but God forbid I swear in front of them when I get hurt, I should be hung.

Then it comes to what kind of wife am I to their Father - as compared to their Mother.  This only became evident through watching a TV show with them but yikes.  Brutal realization as we all sat in the room.  Then I realized that even how I act with their Father and him with me is yet another example of how I don't quite fit into the picture.  I can't just relax and let my guard down and be WHO I am.  I haven't been that it a very long time and honestly it is wearing on me.  However, when I need a break, like now, and I "hide" in my room writing - door wide open - then I'm abandoning them or ignoring them.  Apparently that is as wrong as sitting with them on the couch as they do nothing all afternoon smothering them.  Step mom?  Can't win. 

Can't give an attitude adjustment to the teenager, can't give dating or sex advice even if I know what they are doing is wrong or dangerous, can't take them to get a haircut (this caused a HUGE problem), can't discipline them when they disrespect me.  Awesome.

I know it's a phase that has taken over two years to hit - a feeling of total loss of self.  Like I need to not only pull the rug out but throw glasses and plates and kick the goddamn table over until I can't breathe and there is nothing left in one piece, just to let everyone know that I am breaking down.  I need a break.  I need to be me and let me be happy.  I can't be just your wife, just your nanny, just your chauffeur.  I need to be independent and strong again.